
A COIWEDY DRAMA, 

HE TWO P^OFESSOHS, 



Charues B. H^l^^' 



THE IIO PR 




A COMEDY DRAMA 



BY- 



/ 



CHARLES B. HILL- 



Entered according to act of congress in the 
year 1892 l\v Charles B. Hill, in the office of 
tlie Librarian of Congress at Washington. 



Printed privately for tlw author by the 
Hill Printing Co., Eustis, Fla. 



'V/f^'Z 



X 



T^^rf.^ 



i^\ 



\\^' 



=CAST.= 



— MALE — 

Prof. Herman Blinkstein, A German professor. 

Prof. Napoleon Clicquo, A French professor. 

CORNIE Durick, A son of Ireland. 

Frank Daley, A Chicago production . 

Samuel Alexander, A retired Chicago merchant. 

— female. — 

Isabella Alexander, Daughter of Samuel. 

Catharine Alexander, Daughter of Samuel. 

Ophelia Campbell, — A matured maiden, cousin of Samuel. 

Bridget Durick, Mother of Cornie. 

KiTTiE Carey, A little girl. (Juvenile.) 

Nora Devine, ' A domestic. 

Eviction agents, etc. 



TMP96-006446 



THE TWO PROFESSORS. 



Act I. — Scene : Interior of cottage in County Carey, Ireland. 
Fireplace to right, door ce?iter back, cupboard with china, 
table in center, chairs and rough settee. Time, present. 
Cornie. (Seated at right of table smoking pipe.) " Five 
dollars a week and expenses ; that's what Mr. Alexander, the 
masther, said yesterday when he engaged me. Be jabers ! if he 
pays all the expenses, what for be I needin' the money at all. 
Twenty shillins' a week, begorra ; I'll soon be buy in' him out 
an' hirin' him meself. An' the master says he is a goin' to go 
back to America in a few days, an' of coorse I go wid him. 
How in howly Moses will I tell me mither this ? Sure, she'll 
cry her two swate eyes out. I wish the masther hadn't had to 
say so much about that illigant jug of poteen I brought from 
the town yesterday. He said, ' Cornie, we are all going down 
to the lake for an hour or two, and want you to stay right here 
and watch the house. Remember, now, sure, young man, 
don't you touch that jug in the cupboard !' Begorra, does he 
think I'm a thafe? (Looks around at cupboard.) I wonder 
if anyone could have taken that jug. The divil fly awaj^ wid 
'im if he did. (Goes over to cupboard and looks in.) There, 
safe and sound, and ju.st as illigant as it can be. I know the 
masther will be here soon, and the first thing he will want will 
be a toddy. I had betther lave the jug on the table ready. 
(Places it with glass on opposite end of table, and seats him- 
self.) Begorra, but I'm lonesome. (Takes chair around to 
other end of table and sits down.) Oh, you beautiful crathur ! 
(Puts arm around jug.) Bedad, but it's meself that is afraid 
the poteen is clane spoiled by me carryin' it in the sun ; and 
then the masther will say I dhrunk it, an' put wather in the 
jug. Cornie Durich never put wather in any whiskey. (Shakes 
the jug, takes out the cork and smells it.) Begorra, it's meself 
that's afraid the poteen is spoiled ; what will I do ? (Wrings 
his hands.) I may be misthaken. (Puts the cork on his 
tongue. Yes, it's spoiled. (Pours out a little in a glass ; holds 
it up to light ; smells it and tastes it.) But I don't mind if it is 
spoiled a little. (Drinks.) Perhaps the masther won't want 
his toddy ; I had betther put the jug back ; well, I'll lave it 



4 THE TWO PROFESSORS. 

here for a few minutes, (Pours out liquor.) I'm afraid I don't 
feel very well. (Drinks.) That whiskey is so spoiled it makes 
me sick ; I don't believe the masther will dhrink it. (Pours 
and drinks.) It is a shame to have it thrown out even if it is 
a little spoiled ; (hie) I'm glad masther's taste is so delicate; 
I don't mind the taste of thai at all ; (hie.) Whin I get to 
America I'm going to be a politicianer — five dollars !— come 
up, boys ; (hie.) I'll pour for you ; (pours and drinks.) Come 
into the proce.ssion ; hold up your heads, boys ; kech out your 
chest." (Marches around table with jug several times; tries 
to stop and speak ; falls down softly by fireplace with arms 
around jug.) 

(Enter Belle, center back.) 

Belle. (Running to R front, holding her nose.) " I never 
knew there was a distilery in here." 

(Enters Kate with kodak ; running to L front holding her 
nose.) " Belle, for mercy's sake, the house must be afire." 

Belle. " What in the world could those horrid Professors 
have been doing here after we left ? You remember, we started 
first, Kate ?" 

Kate. " They will be coming in a minute. Belle, let us 
just step behind these screens and hear what they say when 
they come in. They will probably give the whole thing away 
and we will make our presence known at the right time. (lyis- 
tens.) Go quiet, Belle, they are coming now." 
Enters Napoleon and Herman ; center back ; arm in arm and 

conversing. 

Napoleon. (Screwing his face up.) " Ze beer you buy here 
is not ze good beer of Paree, Monsieur. I would advise you, 
my dearest friend, to drink but little when ze ladies are around." 

Herman. " Vat you say mit the 'peer ? The peer is goot ; 
but when you drink dot wine, always stay mit the door oud." 

Napoleon. " I beg ze pardon of me friend, but when ze la- 
dies come, do ze kindness to me to step on ze porch, for they 
might think I had been drinking ze peer." 

Herman. " You specks dot way to me, your friend, ven you 
knows dot it is yourself and not mineself. I tells you plainly, 
dot not alone when de ladies come you should go to the porch 
oud ; but no gentleman want to talk mit you when you schmells 
like dot." [They look glaringly at one another.] 
Enters Samuel, door C back, with basket on arm in which 
there is a black bottle. 

Samuel. " Whew, boys ! I guess you found the demijohn. 
Well, I hope there is a little left, but I doubt it. My, but this 
is awful ; what will the girls say when they come ?" 
Enters Ophelia, door center back. 

Ophelia. Cousin Sam, you left me to carry the fish-poles, 
and I didn't thank you, and— phew ! Samuel Alexander, you 
have been drinking again. I know, now, why you wanted to 
get ahead of me. You horrid man, let me smell your breath. 
[He breathes at her.] I knew it. Now, where is that bottle. 
[Searches his pockets.] It is in that basket, I guarantee. [She 
lifts up lid and takes out bottle, takes out the cork and smells 
the bottle.] Fish-worms ! Oh, you brute, to play such a trick 
on an innocent lady ! I'm going to faint." [Falls back and 
Herman catches her, beckoning Napoleon to come.] 

Samuel. "Ophelia, your hair is coming ofi". [She starts 



THE TWO PROFESSORS. 5 

up, gives them all a look of disdain, and exit L center.] Boys, 
what did you do with that demijohn ?"' 

Napoleon and Herman. "We havn't seen it." 

Samuel. [Goes out to cupboard and discovers Cornie, and 
Ijeckons to Napoleon and Herman.] "I wish the girls were 
here with their kodak ; I would like to immortalize this. — 
[Belle and Kate come fnjin their hiding place.] Where did you 
come from, girls ?" 

Belle and Kate. " Oh, we just came." 

[Herman andNapoleon look at one another in despair.] 

Samuel. "Just take a picture of this most admirable sub- 
ject, (pointing to Cornie. ) [They step one side and Belle takes 
picture.] That will do very well for a label, no doubt. [Grips 
Cornie bj' collar.] Get up here, you rascal !" 

Cornie. " Five dollars ! Follow me, boys, for I have the 
political 'fluence." [Sees ladies, and looks piteously around.] 

Samuel. " Right about, face ; now march, (pointing to door.) 
You needn't take the jug, [Cornie sets it down on chair at 
door, and exit. Ladies go to left front : Napoleon and Herman 
to right front.] 

Napoleon. " Do you think ze beautiful Belle heard ze con- 
versation ?" 

Herman. " Dot vas awful. If Miss Kate heard aboud dot 
peer, I vas a ruined man." 

Belle. " I thought parle vous was going to faint when we 
made our appearance." 

Kate. " The end of poor Dutchey's nose got ten times red- 
der when he caught a glimpse of us. They look as if the^- 
were about to die even now ; let us relieve them. [They ap- 
proach Napoleon and Herman.] That was a very striking ex- 
ample of the evils of intemperance. I am afraid after this that 
father will decide to leave the young man in Ireland. He 
would hardly be safe among the temptations of Chicago." 

Samuel. " I guess I will give the boy another trial ; I should 
have known better than to have left him with the demijohn. 
There will be a good deal of service besides fun in the rascal if 
I can ever get him down to business. I mean to make him ni}' 
butler when we get back to Chicago." 

Kate. Why, father, there wouldn't be an unbroken dish in 
the house, and he would ruin every entertainment we would 
give." 

Samuel. " He must be trained ; he is smart and will learn. 
He is a character, and would be a novelty to our guests. I will 
see that he is broken in, even if we have to break his neck in 
doing it. If he gets to drinking we will send him to Keeh', 
and then make him sign the pledge afterwards." 

Belle. " I guess father knows what he is about. I guaran- 
tee that our Hibernian friend will become a model servant." 

Napoleon. " Ze excellance of ze .ser\'ant is best manifesto — 
manifestun — manifested b)' his absolute obedience. Ze servant 
should remember ze words of ze master, and not drink ze liquor 
which was not purchased for his entertainment. Ze butler 
must not taste ze wine from ze bottle, for ze gentlemen wants 
ze wine before ze servant tastes it, Ze wine is spoiled for ze 
gentlemen when ze butler drinks from ze bottle." 

Herman. " Dot butler must not pull der cork from der bot- 
tle oud before he comes mit der dininaf-room in. Dot wine ish 



6 RHE TWO PROFESSORS. 

spoiled mit dercork mit der bottle oud for a long before time." 

Samuel. [Laughing.] "I guess Cornie will soon learn 
what is right and what is wrong. His mistake of this morning 
I dare say will not be repeated. If it is, I will give him heroic 
treatment." 

Belle. [Turning to Napoleon.] " Professor, you must learn 
patience. I thought you had a good deal of it when I saw you 
watching your cork for an hour, this morning, without a bite." 

Napoleon. " Ze cork on ze water has but small interest to 
me when I am permitted to be in ze company of ze beautiful 
Belle. Ze cork I do not remember any more when ze face of 
ze fair lady is present." 

Belle. [Aside.] "Got it bad. It amounts almost to an 
epidemic. [Aloud.] Professor, your compliment is no doubt 
sincere, very delicate, and of the kind that ladies appreciate the 
most highly ; but really, I feel sorry for having prevented j^ou 
from catching a string of fish, which is much more laudable 
than looking into the face of such an ordinary creature as my- 
self." 

Napoleon. " Permit me, please, to judge what is ze right. 
Were ze fish in ze lake worth a thousand francs — dollars — von 
look into ze lady's face wouid be worth more than all ze fishes." 

Belle. " But I wanted you to catch the fish, so that ycu 
could eat them, for you know that they are full of phosphorus, 
and that makes — bone." 

Napoleon. [Aside. Ze good Lord knows I want no more 
of ze bone ; it is ze flesh that I need. [Aloud]. Ze phospho- 
rus of ze fish have not ze light that flashes from ze lady's eye." 

Herman. " Dot gentleman fishes mit der bate mit der hook 
oud. He caught dot eel dis mornings and say he vas a snake. 
Dot lines proke off" mit der pole and got tangled mit his leg. 
When he runs he saw dot eel coming after him, and he calls 
for help to save him. Pretty soon he falls down mit der grass, 
and rolls over mit himself, mit der line mit der snake coming. 
Pretty soon der Professor and der line and eel got mixed up, 
and der hook got loose and stuck in dot Professor's back. Dot 
makes him holler and he says, ' Herman, we haf peen goot 
frens ; write dot letter to my mother, und dell her how I vas 
died, den asked me to lay him on der grass so his breath 
might come mit difficulty. Pretty soon, he found he vas not 
died, und he got up and looked for der snake ; den he seen der 
ladies mit der lake coming, und he brushed his clothes mit his 
handkerchief, und went to where you comes." 

Napoleon. " Ze Professair tell ze falsehood ; ze ladies must 
not believe him ; ze satisfaction from ze Professair I will ask zat 
he shall eat his words. Ze serpent has no fears for me. I 
fights ze Zulus, ze Arabs ; ze serpent I would kill with ze hands 
alone." 

Kate. " Come, come, gentlemen, this is indeed but a trivial 
matter ; the bravery of you both has been so manifest on so 
many occasions since our acquaintance with you, that we need 
no additional proof of your ability to cope with danger. Now 
shake hands, and make up your little differences. [They hesi- 
tate.] Professor Clicquo, it is my wish that you shake hands 
and let this matter drop." [They shake hands.] 

Belle. "That's right, my dear Professor; these difficulties 
are so painful to me." 



THE TWO PROFESSORS. 7 

Napoleon. " Ze friend of my j-outh I cannot get ze angr}' 
at. Herman, I thinks of you all ze time." [Goes over and 
shakes Herman's hand. Returns to Belle.] 

Kate. "There is nothing more pleasing to me than to see 
gentlemen settle their difficulties." 

Herman. [Goes to Napoleon and puts his arm around his 
neck.] " Dot lie of mine vas der truth, but I am sorry for it. 
Napoleon, I loofs you better den I does mine lag — ; mine, 
mine — anything I got mit der house in." 

Samuel. " I guess to-morrow we will have to arrange for a 
trip to the old castle. It is about fifteen miles, and there will 
be a load of us without Cornie ; I will let him spend the day 
with his mother, for we will be off for America inside of a 
week. His mother will be glad to have him with her for a 
day again." 

Cornie. [Sticking his head in the door.] [Aside.] " Ich, 
— I thought they called me ; Ich — I didn't know they needed 
me any more. Be jabers, but I am as dry as a fish, yes, two 
fishes. [Samuel sees him but gives no sign.] Begorra, if I 
only had another drink of that illigant whiskey, me legs 
would not have such a tindency to fall to pieces. Me insides 
feel like a last 3^ear's bird's nest— nothing in it ; an' me head 
feels like one made this year, and twent}- birds in it hollerin' 
for wather. Did I sa}- wather ? Well, I didn't mane wather. 
I wonder where masther put that demijohn. Mother of Moses, 
here it is !" [Takes up jug and drinks from it — exit.] 

Samuel. " Did you see that ?" 

All. "No." 

Samuel. " Cornie just came to that door and took a drink 
out of that jug. That won't satisfy him. He will be back 
again. Now just keep still ; I'll fix him. [Goes to cupboard 
and gets a piece of steel ; puts it in his hand like a pistol.] 
Does that look like a pistol ?" 

Belle. " Well, I guess enough like one to scare a drunken 
man." 

Samuel. " You two Professors, stand each one on a side of 
the door, and when he comes again take hold of him and bring 
him before me. I will be the judge and the ladies can be the 
jury. You serve duty as policeman." [Thej' wait.] 

Cornie. [Comes to door, reaches for jug, when Professors 
catch him and bring him to Samuel.] (Aside.) " May the 
divil fly away wid me now ; it's to jail I will have to go ; me 
head is too thick to tell a good rasonable lie ! Amusha ; what's 
to do !" 

Samuel. " Cornie Durick, }^ou have been caught in the act 
of stealing, and that, too, whiskey. [Presents imitation pis- 
tol.] When you went out of here j'ou thought you were a sol- 
dier ; now I will make one of you. Attention !" 

Cornie. " I'm on a tention, I'm entirely tight." 

Samuel. " Right about, face." (Cornie turns his head.) 

Samuel. " Right about face." [Threatens with pistol.] 

Cornie. " Divil a once can I turn me face further without 
turnin''me body." • 

Samuel. "Then turn j^our bod3^ [Cornie does so.] Are 
you ready ?' ' 

Cornie. " No ; Reddy's me cousin ; me name's Cornie." 

Samuel. " Now it's march !" 



8 THE TWO PROFESSORS. 

Cornie. " Bedad, \'er mistaken ; it's October !" 

Samuel. *' Now be off !" 

Cornie. " How can I be off whin I feel like I am standing 
on nothing.'' 

Samnel. "March around Iha; table nntil you get orders to 
stop." [Cornie marches around table two or three times, then 
staggers againsL it,] 

Samuelr " Look out I (Cornie goes towards door.) Hey, 
there, what are yuv doinv?' 

Cornie. '' I'm about lo look out, as ye towld me ; f had to 
go to the dure as tlie wind_\s are covered wid cobwebs." 

Samuel. " Nw\v ni.arch around tliat table again. (Cornie 
marches three times around until opposite door.) Halt ! Turn 
half." 

Cornie. " Which half ?" v^' 'ices door.) 

Samuel. "You see, ladies and gentlemen, I have got him 
so he will obey orders. (To Cornie.) Forward, march ! 
(Cornie goes to door and takes jug— exit — with the Profes.sors 
in pursuit. Sariuiel goes to door.) Go it, boys ! Hurrah for 
Cornie ; he leads them b}' a dozen lengths ; now he doubles on 
them ; Professors got afoul of one another ; do^^ n the}- go, Par- 
leau Vuus on top. Give it to him, Dutchj^ ! (Laughs.) Cor- 
nie is stopping and waving the jug. They are up again ; he's 
leading them down towards the bog — out of sight behind the 
trees. (Waits a moment ; comes back to Belle and Kate and 
sits down,) My young misses, this gives me an (opportunity I 
have been looking for for a day or two." 

Belle and Kate. (Sweetly.) "What's the matter, papa?" 

Samuel. " Ever}- thing's the matter. You girls will drive 
your old father craz>-, and it has got to stop. Stop is just what 
I mean." 

Belle. (Goes back of chair and runs her fingers through his 
hair.) " Dearest papa, what have your two daughters done to 
displease 3'ou?" 

vSamuel. 'Angrily.) ' ^)<'r.'t you 'dear papa' nie ; I want 
none of your soft solder. ■ 'ak^f your haiids out of my hair." 

Belle. "Just one mor-- little stroke, (Goe§ around in front.) 
Now yoti look real nice ; only just a wee little bit ruffled." 

Samuel. (Rising and walking.) " I have no time for your 
chaff and foolishness. You may think an old man can't see 
anything and that you can make a fool of him, as well as ev- 
erything else you come in contact with, but I'll show 3^011 dif- 
ferently." 

Kate. " Make a fool of oui dear papa? — oh, never. Filial 
respect is — 

Samuel. " Now you have commenced, too, with 3-our pal- 
aver. I'll have none of it. I propose to be master in m}' own 
household. Do you hear it? — master, boss, dictator and regu- 
lator. That's plain Fnglish." 

Kate. "'Well, papa dearest, what have we done now, to 
cause your displeasure. ' ' 

Samtiel. "Done, done! You have forgotten every law of 
hospitality ; every courtesy that is due a guest — with premedi- 
tation and aforethought — pell-mell, helter-skelter, without con- 
sideration, gone to work to make a fool of two of the most am- 
iable and princely gentlemen that ever entered our house !" 

Belle and Kate. " What two ?" 



THE TWO PROFESSORS. 9 

Samuel. " What two ! Don't you add deception to your 
bad manners. You know I mean the two professors." 

Belle and Kate. " The two Professors ?" 

Samuel. "Yes, my young misses, this matter has gone far 
enough — entirely too far. You have got them both, now, so 
they don't care to talk to me a moment, but prefer to go after 
two silly, nonsensical girls who haven't an idea in their heads. 
These gentlemen are my honored guests and must be treated as 
such . ' ' 

Belle. " But, dear papa — " 

Samuel. " There 'you go, 'dear papa'-ing me again; I 
won't have it." 

Belle. "Well, then, daddie." 

Samuel. " More impudence ; but go on, you have no de- 
fence for your conduct." 

Belle. " You remember a few moments ago you stood at the 
door?" 

Samuel. "Well, what of it?" 

Belle. " And you saw the Professors running after Cornie — 
and you laughed as hard as you could when they went tumbling 
over each other, and came back overjoyed because Cornie was 
leading them into the bog ?" 

Samuel. " How could I help it, tell me that? They were 
too far off for me to stop them." 

Belle. " But not too far off for you to show some considera- 
tion for their misfortune. Kate and I both thought you were 
decidedly lacking in courtesj^ to your talented and honored 
guests. How about this, papa ?" 

Samuel. [Clears his throat.] " A very different matter." 

Belle. " Exactly identical. Making a fool of guests !" 

Samuel. " Not at all, young lady — no similarity whatever." 

Kate. " Perhaps at this moment, papa, they may be floun- 
dering around in the bog with eyes and ears full of mud — and 
then the eels ! Poor Napoleon." 

Napoleon. [Rushes in door covered with mud, collar awry 
and hat stove in.l " Ze horrible ! Ze awful ! Ze terrible !" 

Herman. [Comes in same condition as Napoleon.] " Mine 
gott in himmel [looking at himself] mit der bog fell in." Belle 
and Kate go to left convulsed with laughter, and the Professors 
stand looking at themselves and at each other.] 

Samuel. " Well, gentlemen 3^ou seem to have met with mis- 
fortune." 

Napoleon. " Oh, ze serpent, ze eel, ze mud, ze Irishman !" 
[ Herman. [Doggedly.] " Mit der bog fell in." 

Samuel. "You will catch j'our death of cold, gentlemen ; 
stand up by the fire and dry yourselves. There is more mud 
than water and it will soon harden." [Napoleon and Herman 
stand with their backs to fireplace.] 

Herman. " Fell mit der bog in." 

Samuel. " I see you did." 

Herman. " Mit der bog in, mit der Irishman oud." 

Samuel. " Did you catch him ?" 

Napoleon. " Ze Cornie runs to ze woods with ze jug. He 

.went over ze hill and we went into ze mud. Ze liquor goes 

with him, for he has ze jug ; now ze liquor is spoiled because 

ze servant drank from ze jug. Ze mud drys very fast by ze 

fire. [Puts his hand down on his leg, yells out and jumps 



lO THE TWO PROFESSORS. 

awa5^ Ze pants is on fire. [Slaps hand on again.] Ze pants 
is cooking ze flesh." [Dances around.] 

Herman. "Is der bants mit der fire in. Napoleon been 
make a fool mit yourself mit der house mit der ladies in. [Goes 
and sits down in a chair. Jumps up.] Is dem bants burned 
mit der fire up ? [Tries to walk to get them cool ; turns and 
whispers to Samuel.] Is dem bants goot yet ?" 

Samuel. [Laughing.] ' ' Nothing is scorched but the mud." 

Napoleon. [Whispers to Samuel.] " Is ze dress of Herman 
and myself according to ze mode." 

Samuel. " Yes, it is according to the mud. You need have 
no anxiety." 

Herman. " I feel shoost like I vas baked." 

Napoleon. " Ze skin has fall away from ze limbs." 

Belle. [Advancing to Napoleon.] " Professor, I do so sym- 
pathize with you. This seems to have been for you a day of 
misfortune." 

Napoleon. " Ze sympathy of ze ladies is ze balm for every 
woe." 

Kate. [Advancing to Herman.] "I am so sorry for this 
mishap ; I sincerely hope that you will not be made ill in con- 
sequence." 

Herman. " If der lady is really sorry for mine misfortu'.^e. 
I feel glad that I fell mit der bog in." 

[Enters Frank, door center back.] 

Belle and Kate. [Surprised.] ' ' Where did you come from ?' ' 

Samuel. '" Why, Frank, my boy, this is indeed a surprise. 
I thought you were in Rome or Naples eating macaroni with 
the — the lazzaroni." 

Frank. " You haven't given me time to say ' how do you 
you do' yet. [Sees the Professors and bursts out laughing.] 
Well, Parle Vous and Wiene W^urst, what have you been up 
to, or rather into. Dutch}', you look like a mud turtle ; and 
Frenchy, I would like to presentyou, now, to your friend Mad- 
ammoiselle Constaine, in Paris, with that dun-colored suit you 
have got on. You had better not let Prang see you, or he will 
immortalize 3'ou both in a chromo." [I^aughs.] 

Herman. " I fell mit der bog in." 

Napoleon. " I safed ze lite of nn^ friend, and got ze toilet 
disturbed." [Goes to shake hands. with Frank.] 

Frank. " Keep off, Parle Vous. This clothing I have got 
on suit me first-rate. I don't care to. have them variegated.'" 

Napoleon. " The rebuke is just ; I forgot myself for ze mo- 
ment in ze gladness I was to sees you again " (Wipes his hand 
with his handkerchief ) ■ 

Samuel. " How does it come you didn't go to Italy ?" 

Frank. "You remtniber you left me with -Charlie Watters 
in Switzerland ; well, we got stuck on the country and decided 
to stay there. After awhile the thing became monotonous, and 
Charlie and I thought wt would fix up a little pic-nic for the 
unsophisticated natives. You remember that high mountain 
just back of the town. Well, Charlie and I took a suit T)f 
clothes one evening and climbed about a third of the way up, 
when we struck a precipice about fifteen hiuidred feet high. 
We took the clothes and staffed them, hid them behind a rock 
and then went back to town. The next morning we got a 
couple of guides to take us to the top of the mountain. When 



THE TWO PROFESSORS. II 

we got to where the clothes were Charlie lingered behind. All 
at once we heard a great cry and saw something go over the 
precipice. Of course we all rushed back, and Charlie was no- 
where to be seen. The guides hurried back to town to get 
ropes and help. I whis*:led for Charlie and he came out from 
behind a turn in the mountain and we had an elegant hnich 
from our basket. In an hours time we saw about half the vil- 
lage coming up the mountain with the guides in advance, and 
Charlie put to cover again. With the ropes and the help of the 
villagers the guides got down to the bottom of that cliff ; and 
in the mean time I had got Charlie and got a good start home 
again, and fixed ourselves to watch them. When they struck 
the straw man you ought to have seen those guides, and then 
the people at the top. We thought we iiad better make tracks 
for town, so we lost no time. When the crowd got back we 
saw from the upper veranda of the hotel a good many threat- 
ening glances, and the hotel-keepers told us we had better 
leave. I tried to get Charlie to come with me, but he said It- 
aly was good enough for him, so we got out that night in a 
closed hack — and here I am." 

Samuel. (Laughing.) " They ought to have hanged you, 
you rascal !" 

Frank. " I thought they would, or I would have stayed. I 
am through now — this is getting too close. French)-, who 
reaped your whiskers? — you used to have them 'way out here." 
(Indicates with hands.) 

Napoleon. " Ze lamp in ze room explode ze other night, 
and whiskers of ze lef side was burned off. Ze ladies say ze 
beaut)- of my face was gone, so ze other side ze barber took off 
.with the razor. My poor whiskers !" (Sighs.) 

Frank. "And Herman, you have hard a hard time — you 
look like you had lost fifty pounds." 

Herman. " I fell mit der bog in." 

Samuel. " Frank, have you heard anj^thing further about 
A^our lost estate." 

Frank, " Yes ; I stopped in London a day with my solicitor. 
He says there is no question of my right to the Barramore es- 
tate, and that we can easily prove it. The trouble is in getting 
rid of the fraudulent claimants who are in possession. The)- 
are a rough crowd and would scruple at nothing. By the way, 
the property lies within ten miles of here, and it is worth about 
$200,000. It comes to me by straight inheritance through ni)' 
mother, who was a Barramore. Another difficulty is, that the 
present holders know of my claim and, no doubt, of my pres- 
ence here, for they have had spies stationed in London for a 
, month past." 

Samuel. "Well, Frank, we will help you get it — that j^ou 
can depend on." 

[Enters Cornie ; door center back, with violin.] 

Cornie. " It's meself that can't go to Ameriky widout me 
fiddle." 

Samuel. " VVell, you can take your fiddle. I have got it — 
let us have a quadrille." 

All. "Just the thing." [Cornie moves table to one side, 
puts chair on it, seats himself and plays. Belle partner with 
Napoleon, Kate with Frank. Samuel calls, and dances with 
Herman one side,] 



12 THE TWO PROFESSORS. 

Ophelia enters. [Hands up.] " Dancing !" [Samuel puts 
arm around her waist and forces her to dance. Her hair 
comes off.] 

Curtain. 



ACT II. 



Act. II. — Scene — Exterior: Coi'nie's Cabin on right — tree 

wings. Cornie seated by porch smoking. Bridget inside house. 

Cornie. " I sa)% mither !" 

Bridget. " What ? me son." 

Cornie. " It's most sundown ; will supper soon be reddy ?" 

Bridget. "After awhile, I have the fire started and the 
taykettle on." 

Cornie. " I say, mither, we'll have paraties for supper." 

Bridget. "An' faith, we will !" 

Cornie. " Put in about tin big ones for me, mither ; for, be- 
gorra, the divil only knows whin I will get another peraty 
that's fit to ate." 

Bridget. " That right, me boy. Americans can't raise any 
peraties like ould Ireland. Me cousin Nora, who lives in Phil- 
Ij^medelph)^, says they are nearly all watther, an' she wouldn't 
fade thim to the pigs^at home." 

Cornie. " Please, mither, put a couple more peraties in the 
pot, an' make a good, sthrong cup o' tay ; an' I say, mither, 
did Dinnis bring up the cow as I towld him, an' chop the wood." 

Bridget. " Yis ; an' he towld me about bein' down to the 
bog yisterday, whin the two gintlemen fell in. He says they 
wint a tuniblin' over one anayther, an' whin they got well in 
they began a fightin'. One o' thim threw a ball o' mud an' 
hit the ither in the eye. He squaled out whin the mud hit 
him, an' gathered up some an' hit the one as threw it in the 
mouth. They commenced jabbering, but Dinnis couldn't tell 
what they said, for they were furriners. All the time they 
were sinkin' deeper an' deeper, and Dinnis had laughed until 
he couldn't sthand up. Thin he got a board an' helped thim 
out." 

Cornie. " They wur two beautiful craythurs, sure enough." 

Bridget. " I^ucky for thim that Dinnis was there or they 
wud both be in purgatory at the prisint minute." 

Cornie. " It's a good thing they didn't to go to heaven wid 
thim suits o' clothes on, St. Peter, now, wouldn't a' let thim 
in. (Aside. Bejabers, as the time comes to go away, I find 
me sperits weakenin'. No peraties in Ameriky fit to ate ; an' 
thin the snakes ! They say Chicago is built out in the prairie, 
an' the prairie is full o' thim. But thin I should think the po- 
licemen wud keep thim out av the streets. Divil a bit does 
people want to go around lookin' for snakes an' watchin' every 



THE TWO PROFESSORS. 13 

Step he takes. They sa}' that the only thing that will save a 
m n whin he is bit is whiskey. Och, but it's meself that hates 
to take niidicine. I belave I will let just one little one bite me 
to see if they are desavin' me. An' I will be there whin the 
wurrold's fair is a goin' on. Bedad, I will show thim how a 
County Carey boy can whack their heads. I have me black- 
thorn stick now in me fiddle-box — the masther will niver find 
it there. I'll give them a bout, policeman and all. How Din- 
nis' eyes snapped whin I towld him I wud give him a shillin' 
a week. Bejabers, he didn't know I was goin' to get twint}^ ! I 
guess I'll not tell him ; he'll be striking on me as they do in 
Ameriky." 

Enters Frank. 

Frank. "Hello, Cornie, how are 3^ou and how's your fid- 
dle?" 

Cornie. It meself that feels like a fighting rooster, an' me 

fiddle is all right, too — in its case along wid me [puts his 

hand over his mouth.] 

Frank. " With what?" 

Cornie. " Me bow." 

Frank. " Well, I am glad you feel like fighting. Perhaps 
I will need you to do a little before we leave Ireland." 

Cornie. " Well, sorr, 3^ou can depind on me, for if there is 
anything I like betther than going to see the girls, it is fight- 
in'. [Aside.] I will have to undo that fiddle case again." 

Frank. " Do you know the Barramore's around here ?" 

Cornie. " Faith an' sure I do, an' it's a sorry crowd thej^ 
are. I had to break that Pat Barramore's head once, to make 
him respict me ; an' Tim Barramore has the manest face that 
ever a man wore. I promised to crack his pate, too, but ain't 
had time yet." 

Frank. ' ' They are counted as rich folks around here, are 
they not?" 

Cornie. " They have plenty of the goold boys, but, bedad, 
they have no right to them ; that's what the people say." 

Frank. " All right, Cornie ; I want you to keep an eye on 
them while we are here, and I will pay you well for it. The 
folks have got back from the castle and went to the cottage, 
and I came over here. Mr. Alexander says you needn't come 
back until the morning, Good-bye, Cornie." [Shakes his 
hand. (Exit L.) 

Cornie. " An' I'll watch thim close, Mr. Frank— for begor- 
ra, I wud niver lave Ireland contint until I have cracked that 
divil of a Tim's pate, bad cess to him." 

Enters Kittie Carey. 

Kittie. [Running to Cornie throws her arras around his 
neck.] "Oh, Cornie, thej' say you are going away; I don't 
want you to go and leave Kittie." 

Cornie. " Kittie me darlint, an' I don't want to go at all, at 
all ; but I'll be back soon. [Aside.] What an injanious fib 
that was." 

Kittie. " But Cornie, they towld me you were goin' to 'way 
off, an' ye wouldn't come back." 

Cornie. "They don't know what they are talkin' about- 
I'll be back pretty soon, an' bring a big — aw^ful big — basket of 
cand}- wid me." 

Kittie. " I don't want you to go at all ; no, I don't." 



14 THE TWO PROFESSORS. 

Carnie. [Wipes his eyes.] "Well, don't let us talk about 
it an}- more, for you see it makes me cry. Let us have a good 
time while you are here. I'll be back in a moment ; sit right 
here. [Goes into house and comes back with bowl of bread 
and milk.] I know what you like — it's meself that does. — 
Mither's good bread all chopped up fine, a floatin' around in a 
say of milk. Begorra, the Queen of England herself wud be 
glad to have some of it. [Takes spoon and feeds Kittie, taking 
occasional large bites himself] Bejabers, it's all gone, ivery 
dhrap. Now let's do something else ; what shall it be. 
[Scratches his head.] I have it. [Goes in house and returns 
.with drum.] Let's have a procession ; get in line." [Marches 
around stage beating drum ; Kittie behind with stick over 
shoulder.] 

Voice from without. ' ' Kittie !" 

Kittie. " That is auntie ; I must go, for 3-0U know I ran 
away to see you. Good-bye, Cornie." (Exit L.) 

Cornie. [Watching her.] " Blessed little craythur ! I feel 
just like telling the masther I can't go." 
Enters Bridget. 
Bridget, "Cornie, me boy, I want to tell you some things 
before you go away. One thing, Cornie. 3'our breath had some- 
thing on it this mornin' that wasn't peraties." 

Cornie. [Aside.] "The old lady has a nose like a weevil." 
Bridget. " You had been dhrinkin' whiskey." 
' Cornie. ".Only a wee little dhrap. [Aside.] Begorra, I'll 
be putting meself in purgatory if the ould lady asks me any 
more questions." 

Bridget. " I don't want ye to dhrink anither dhrap." 
Cornie. [Aside.] " She's got the dhrap on me." 
Bridget. " Not anither drop, mind me — an' I am goin' to 
tell you why. Your father, who was a perfect gintleman, used 
to take his toddy. He died whin you wur three years old, an' 
whiskey helped kill him." 

Cornie. " Who helped the whiskey ; tell me, mither, an' I 
will crack his pate wid me shilaleh, bad cess to him." 

Bridget. " Nobod}^ helped the whiskey. He died in bed 
just like any perfect gintleman wud." 
Cornie. " Did he have his boots on ?" 
Bridget. " Yis — no! I don't just remember." 
Cornie. "Tell me all about it, mither." 

Bridget. "Your father wud dhrink whiskey, an' I couldn't 
make him stop. He wud come home at night sometimes, an' 
the divil wud .seem to be in him. I wudn't moind that so much 
if he didn't throw sticks." 

Cornie. ' ' An' what wud he throw sticks for ?" 
Bridget. " Just for amusement and to pass the time away. 
The wood laid in the box behind the stove just where it is now, 
find the ould gitleman wud take a .sate an' throw at the flies on 
the wall. Sometimes the flies wud be on the windy, but it made 
no difference to him. He used to sate so graceful an' nice, for 
he was such a perfect gintleman." 

Cornie. " ^^ ud he iver hit any of the flies ? What wud you 
do, mither?" 

Bridget. " I wud go into the ither room wid Jamie, j^our 
little brother, who was about a year old, until he emptied the 
box, thin I wud come out an' get one of the sticks an' turn 



THE TWO PROFESSORS. 1 5 

him out into the j-ard. I hated to do it, for he was such a per- 
fect gintleman." 

Cornie. (Aside.) "The ould gintleman was a dandy ! Pace 
to his sowl !" 

Bridget. " One night he came home and commenced throw- 
ing sticks before I could get Jamie out of his crib, I tried me 
best to stop him wid the pokher, but he wudn't stop. He threw 
one o' thim at me, an' it hit poor Jamie on the head, knockin' 
the sinses clane out of him. This sobered your father, an' he 
said he didn't mane to do it ; an' I know he didn't, for he was 
such a perfect gintleman." 

Carnie. " Bejabers, mither, if I'd been there I wud a' so- 
bered him before he thtew that stick." 

Bridget. " Hi.st, Cornie, remimber that j^our father was a 
gintleman. Poor little Jamie was never very sthrong, an' that 
stick didn't help him a bit. He kinder weakened like, an' in 
about two weeks he died." 

Cornie. "The ould gitleman had no business throwin' 
sticks." 

Bridget. " But remimber, Cornie, he was such a perfect 
gintleman, an' he didn't know the stick wud hit Jamie. Afther 
this he drank more thin iver, an' finally got sick in bed one 
day. As I helped him take a drink of water I noticed a bottle 
of whi.skey under his pillow. I didn't touch it, for I knew it 
wud give him so much comfort. Along toward avenin' he 
called me to him and asked to see that that rat on the chair 
didn't jump in his bed. I didn't see any rat. All at once he 
said the rats wur ateing him up, and got to ravin'. Thin, I 
thought he went to sleep, an' I made him some ta}^ an' took it 
to him — but I couldn't wake him up, Thin I saw your poor 
father was dead. [Takes out handkerchief and cr'e-;.] But we 
had an illigant wake, and plenty o' whiskey. Tim O' Flaherty 
an' Mike Flannigan got to fightin' an upset the candles. But 
the}' had an illigant time, for 3'ou know your father was such a 
perfect gintleman." 

Cornie. " That's what he was, mither — a perfect gitleman. 
But I want a little more sthyle ; so here's me hand on it, mither, 
no more whiskej^ for me. [Aside.] I wish I had one little 
dhrap to sthop on." 

Bridget. " The water in the pot is a bilin' over, an' I must 
go an' put some more in." [Exit Bridget, door.] 

"Cornie. "But it's me that hates to lave me good ould 
mither, bless her sowl. [Goes to left and looks out.] Who in 
the divil can thim fellers in long cloaks be, a dodgin' betwixt 
thim trees down b}^ the bog. Howly Moses, bvit its thim evic- 
tion officers, an' they are comin' this way. The)- threw poor 
ould Peter Murphy an' his sick daughter out of their house last 
week, an' now the}' are afther me an' mither. Mither, mither !" 

Bridget. [Enters from cabin door.] " What do you call me 
that way for?" 

Cornie. "Look there, [pointing to officers] the spalpeens. 
They are coming for us, [Bridget runs around excitedly.] — 
Have you the hot watther ready ?" 

Bridget. " Yis ! [Cornie runs around in excitement, Bridget 
after him.] Have you got the sticks ready ?" 

Cornie. "Yis! [Same act.] Have you the bars for the 
windys ready ?" 



1 6 THE TWO PROFESSORS. 

Bridget. " Yis ! [Same act.] Have you the bricks ready ?" 

Cornie. " Yis !" ]Both rush into house.] 
Enter three officers. 

ist Officer. [Reads notice of eviction outside of cabin.] 

Cornie. " Read it again." 

ist Officer. " Once is sufficient." 

Cornie. " Well, if you're done, thin you can go." 

ist Officer. " We command you to immediately vacate." 

Cornie. [Opens door a little.] " Put your head in the dure 
an' read it." 

Officer. " We will have no trifling ; wj mean business." 

Cornie. "Well, thin, get down to business. [Officer tries 
to force entrance. Cornie hits him with stuffed club.] That's 
business." [Second officer attempts to force entrance ; met by 
dash of water. Third officer hit by bogus brick thrown from 
cabin. Officers retreat, followed by .shower of sticks, bricks 
and water. Cornie rushes out with shilaleh. Officers rush off 
stage, L, followed by Cornie.] 

Bridget. " Whack it to thim, Cornie. Wasn't that a beau- 
tiful lick. Hit 'im agin. Hit that felly wid the red hair. Hit 
the one wid the bald pate. Bedad, but the b'y is just like his 
daddy, an' he was such an illigant gintleman." 

Cornie. (Enters out of breath.) "Wasn't that an illigant 
fight, mither ? A blissid thing to remember whin I get to 
Ameriky. One o' thim fellys has got a bump over his eye as 
big as a peratie." 

Bridget. (Puts arms around Cornie.) " Ye made me think 
of your ould father whin ye was a throwin' them sthicks — the 
perfect gintleman that he was." 

Enters Frank, Samuel, the two Professors, Ophelia, Belle and 

Kate. 

Samuel. (To Cornie.) "Thirty shillings is what you get. 
You will be worth it." 

Frank. (Shakes hands with Cornie.) " Just fix Tim Barra- 
more the same way." 

Cornie. " That is but a little love-tap the side o' what I will 
give Tim, if he comes a foolin'." 

Belle. " Cornie, you are a regular John Sullivan." 

Kate. " Better than that ; he's a Corbett." 

Ophelia. "Young man, didn't you know it is wrong to 
fight. Such actions should be condemned instead of approved 
— all of you understand — denounced." 

Samuel. " Cornie would fight just as hard for you as he 
did for his mother." 

Ophelia. " I want the young man to know that I am fully 
capable of taking care of myself. (Frank pulls her dress and 
barks like a dog. Ophelia in great affright.) "Cornie, don't 
let that awful brute bite me." 

Samuel. " Cornie is a good protector." 

Ophelia. " I only called on him because I knew that there 
wasn't another one of you who had spunk enough to defend a 
lady." 

Napoleon. " Ze lady reflects on ze bravery of you and me, 
Herman. (To Ophelia.) Ze lady makes ze grand mistake. I 
fights ze Zulus, ze Arabs and ze snakes, with ze hands alone. 
Ze ladies alwaj's has ze protection, no matter whether she is 
young or old." 



THE TWO PROFESSORS. 1 7 

Ophelia. "Old! you wizen-faced, dried up Frenchman! 
Who are you calling old ? I will have you know that I de- 
mand respect even if my years are slightly matured." 

Herman. [Taking Napoleon by the coat.] " Come back 
here mit der chance you got. You vas a fool. [Stepping for- 
ward to Ophelia.] Dot Frenchman thinks he vas a slick und a 
prave man, und knows how to talk mit der ladies, but he vas a 
blunderbuss. Ven you fall mit der dogs oud, come to mine 
arms in, no matter if you be pretty or ugly." 

Ophelia. "Ugly ! Samuel, listen to that Dutch pig. Ugly ! 
You red-nosed, saur-kraut-eating piece of boulogne sausage. 
You have no more sense of politeness than that Frenchman 
there." [Pointing to Napoleon.] 

Napoleon. [Taking Herman by sleeve.] " Ze chance you 
have to get away. Come. [Whispers.] Herman, you forgot 
yourself so far as to call your friend ze fool. I now say you are 
ze damn fool." 

Curtain. 



ACT III. 

Act III. Scene. — Moonlight— zvoods. 
Enters Cornie. 

Cornie. "I'm a spicial detective in the sarvice of Mr. 
Frank, on a big salary wid nothin' to do but kape me eyes an' 
ears open. Just let thim Barramore's come this way. [Waves 
shilaleh.] That's Tim, down and beggin' me not to hit him 
ag'in. There's the other, down wid a knot on his head as big 
as a walnut. Both down at once, an' nothin' to set thim up 
ag'in. There comes thim two furriners. They have about as 
much sinse as two tumblebugs. I b'lave the masther is onl}' 
takin' thim to Ameriky to put thim in a museum. Well, I 
ain't intertainin' visitors to-night." [Slips behind R wing.] 
Enter Napoleon and Herman. 

Napoleon. " Ze tickets are bought, and we sail for America 
to-morrow. My finances are abougt depleted and ze rich and 
beautiful Belle is a very far off yet." 

Cornie. [Aside.] " About a million miles." 

Herman. " Mine pocketbook is but an ornament dot I car- 
ries mit me to make dot effect. I spends mine money mitoud 
counting, und ven I does count I finds but little left mit der 
book in. Dot ticket to America preaks mine heart, and dot 
pocketbook too. Ven I talks to Kate she gets oud." 

Cornie. [Aside.] " She don't like the smell of saur-kraut." 

Napoleon. "Is ze friend broke, too ? I was about to ask ze 
favor of ze small loan." 

Herman. " Napoleon, is dot money of yours failing mit der 
pocketbook ? Dot loan business is blayed oud. I loans you 
tree times, und der money I paid oud mit you has not come 



1 8 THE TWO PROFESSORS. 

back in mit you. I haf gone oud of dot loan business, und 
gone into dot collecting business. Napoleon, I wants mine 
money — tree hundred dollars." 

Cornie. [Aside ] " Begorra, he'll get it whin ould Ireland 
forgets to grow grass. ' ' 

Napoleon. " Herman, you must not grow impatient ; I will 
soon sell some of my diamonds, and ze pocketbook will be re- 
plenished — then I will repay you." 

Herman. " Mit 3^our diamonds — I wants none of dose dia- 
monds. Dot one you sell me for seventy-five dollars vas made 
out of dot French glass, und wort' tree cents. Dose diamonds 
ish no good !"' 

Cornie. [Aside.] "The spalpeen ! He needs a lick on his 
head wid me shilaleh to make a gintleman of him." 

Napoleon. '! A little mistake, I will make it good as soon 
as we get to America.' 

Cornie. [Aside.] " U'hin he gets to Ameriky he will get 
in jail, too. Bejabers, I will tistify ag'inst him, the bloodv 
thafe." 

Herman. " Dot America ; so far off ! Oh, Napoleon, I feels 
mine heart into mine boots fall in when I tinks of dot America. 
We vas taking dot great step, maybe we step from dot firepan 
into dot fire. Und der fire we haf no chance ; in dot firepan 
we can squirm a leedle." 

Napoleon. " Herman, you vas ze weak man ; you haf not 
ze sand. Ze Yankees are ze great lovers of ze foreigner. If 
you get not ze money 1, y ze talent, then take ze talent and get 
ze rich wife. If you mi.'s ze charming Kate, you look some- 
where else. Ze form of my friend will always bring to him ze 
respect of ze ladies. If you fail as ze Professair Blinkstein, 
then call yourself ze Baron Blinkstein. Ze title is what counts ' 
in America ; ze title will buy ze rich girl. See !" 

Cornie. [Aside.] " Listen to thim two spalpeens plotthing 
against the whole of Ameriky. Divil a once will they fool 
thim Americans wid Cornie Durick dead onto 'em !" 

Herman. " Mine friend, you are right ; I haf dot appear- 
ance which says I vas a baron. Dot explanation make me feels 
some petter. I calls myself Baron Blinkstein, und den you be 
dot Count Clicquo." 

Cornie. [Aside.] "Count Clicker — he's no count. He 
niver was any account. Bejabers, I'm just itching to touch 
thim fellers up wid me shilaleh." 

Napoleon. Your mind is most comprehensive, Herman. I 
sees you can see through ze millstone when there is ze hole in 
it.', 

Cornie. [Aside.] "If I hit him wid me shilaleh I'll bet 
you can see a hole through his head." 

Herman. " Dot millstone story I cares nottings aboud. I 
vas a fool to look through der millstone mitoud der hole in it. 
When you makes foolishness mit me don't make it mit dot 
millstone, for dot makes me mad as an Irishman." 

Napoleon. " I gives you ze apology. Ze millstone is ze em- 
blem of stability and solidit3^ I meant it for ze compliment. 
I nevair speak to you like I would to ze Irishman." 

Cornie. [Aside.] " Does he mane that for an insult ? All 
that saves your ugly pate is because I havn't me shilaleh wid 



THE TWO PROFESSORS. 1 9 

me. I'm timpted now to knock }'our two eyes together wid me 
fist." 

Herman. " In dot America dey haf der wild Indians. I vas 
glad I came to Ireland, for dose Indians will not scare me now, 
for I haf seen der wild Irishman, mid is not afraid mit him." 

Cornie. [Aside.] " Can I sthand it?" 

Napoleon. " Ze Indians of America are ze brave men, and 
have ze principles of ze gentleman. ' Ze gentleman like ze Cor- 
nie is ze common man, ze servants of ze rich. He not stand up 
and fight but hits you in the back with ze club. I would spit 
on ze Irish." 

Cornie. [Aside.] " I can't sthand it. On, if I could lay 
me hands on a sthick !" (Groans out aloud.) 

Napoleon. [Affrighted.] " Herman, what was zat ; ze sound 
of ze wild beast !" 

Herman. [Affrighted.] " You and me had better go mit 
der woods oud." (They hurry offstage.) 

Cornie. [Reappearing.] "See thim go, the bloody spal- 
peens ! [Starts to run after the Professors. Stops at wing and 
shakes his fist.] Come back an' sphit ! Come back, I tells ye, 
an' sphit ! [Goes to center.] The dhirty vagabonds sphit on 
an Irishman ! [Runs to wing.] Come back an' sphit ! [Goes 
to center.] Wants to sphit on me — sphit on an Irishman. 
[Runs to wing.] Come back an sphit ! Bejabers, I fale like I 
must hit somebody. Me blood is on fire an' me head is in a 
whirl. I'll get aven wid 'em yet. I wish thim Barramore's 
wur here — both o' thim — short wurk wud I make o' thim ! 
Thim furriners are all skinny cowards, anyhow. Why can't 
they talk like other min ! That Frenchman with his parle 
vous, (imitates Napoleon) and that pig of a Dutchman sthrut- 
tin' like a paycock. (Imitates Herman.) I'd like to take their 
two pates an' knock thim together, so. I'm as dhry as a cow, 
and wid nothin' to dhrink but watther. I'll find me way down 
to the spring, for it won't be many more dhrinks I'll get out of 
it." (Exit R. C.) 

Enters Frank, L. C. 

Frank. (Laughing to himself ; smoking, and seats him.self 
on stump, C. F.) " What a simplj^ perfect night — perfect 
moon, perfect grass, perfect trees, Perfecto cigar, perfect every- 
thing — perfectly happy ! That's poetical enough ; but I feel 
that way, to-night. And why not ! Good health, nothing to 
bother me, and a fortune just in sight. (Enter two cloaked 
men, L, 3d E, with large sack and gag. Hover in background, 
drawing nearer to Frank.) What a race I have run. I sup- 
pose I will have to put on brakes and settle down. Well, I 
don't care ; I guess I am ready." (Cloaked men suddenly rush 
on him, force gag into his mouth and throw sack over his head, 
tjnng it around his waist with cord.) 

Enters Cornie, L, C. 

Cornie. (Dodging back.) " Howl}' Moses, its Mr. Frank. 
The Barramore's have him, an' me shilaleh at home. I'll have 
to take a common sthick this time. (Finds stuffed club and 
springs on one of the men, hitting him in the head.) That's 
one for you, 3^ou blackguard Tim, (hits) and another (hits) and 
another. (Man falls insensible, and other man makes a dash 
at Cornie, who hits him same manner until he falls.) Now for 



20 THE TWO PROFESSORS. 

Mr. Frank." (Goes to Frank and tries to untie strings which 
holds sack.) 

Enters Napoleon and Herman, L, unnoticed by 
Cornie. 

Napoleon. " Ze Irishman is robbing Monsieur Frank. Her- 
man, (patting him on shoulder) j^ou are ze bravest of ze Ger- 
mans ; go and rescue our friend from ze wild Hibernian. See, 
he has ze sack over ze head and ze victim will smother." 

Herman. " Dot walk haf taken me away from mine breath ; 
der weakness of mine legs ish like der paralysis ; mine .strength 
is all gone, Napoleon ; go drove dot Irishman oflf, und if he 
hurts you I will fall on him mit my stomach, und he neffer 
hurts you again." 

Napoleon. " Zen we goes together, ze Frank is almost 
dead." (They go around back, but see the insensible men, 
and run back to former position.) 

Herman. " Dot Irishman has killed dose two fine men, und 
now vas taking der pockets und der money oud. Napoleon. I 
vas sick." (He turns to go, followed by Napoleon. They are 
seen by Cornie.) 

Cornie. " Come here, your furrin fools, an' help me untie 
this knot ; don't yer see Mr. Frank is a smotherin' to death. 
I'll forgive yez for sphitting on me ! Me arm is tired, now, 
bateing thim fellys on the head. Come here, I tell yez. 
(They come to him hesitatingly. The two cloaked men sud- 
denly arise and run off R.) The spalpeens are gone ; an' I 
mint to have another lick at 'em. May the divil pizen the ar- 
niky they put on their sore heads." (He unloosens Frank 
and removes sack and gag.) 

Frank. (Wagging his jaw.) "Does it seem to work all 
right, boys. That was a pretty close call for me that time. — 
What in the world could those vagabonds want ? They evi- 
dently didn't want to rob me. [Counting his money.] And I 
didn't know I had an enemy in the world." 

Cornie. ' ' Me dear Misther Frank, you have two who wud 
as soon sthick a knife in you as they wud in a pace o' mate — 
an' thim's the Barramore's." 

Frank. " The Barramore's ?" 

Cornie. " An' thim's the two who wur tryin' to put yer can- 
dle out to-night ; but I have them sphotted now, both on the 
head, an' ivery other way. They will lave the counthry, now, 
an' ye needn't fear thim ag'in. They are gone for good, Mis- 
ther Frank, an' you can get your money." 

Frank. " Well, that's a quick way out of what I thought 
would be a long and tedious law suit. Boys, wait until we get 
to Chicago." [Cuckoo call is heard in the L, wing, then in B 
wing. They hunt for the bird there. Either Frank or Cornie 
sings Emmet's cuckoo song, with others in chorus.] 

Curtain, 



THH TVrO FROFEfSORS. 21 



ACT IV. 



Act IV. — Scene — Drazving-room in Samuels Chicago house, 

door ai back renter — Piano on R back; other musical instrxi- 

moits. Settee, table a7id chairs. 
Knter Cornie, Napoleon and Herman, the former in butler's 
suit, the two latter in shabb}' genteel dress. 

Cornie. [Ushers others in.] " Make yeselves at home, gin- 
tlemen. The masther will be clown in a few moments." (Bxit.) 

Napoleon. [Goes to R F, Herman to L F, both with melan- 
choly air.] "Herman, ze Samuel has ze fine house, plenty of 
ze money, plenty of ze .servants, plenty to eat and drink — but 
poor me ! Herman, I have not ze cent in my pocket. With- 
out ze cent I feels very miserable. ^Turns his pockets wrong 
side out and forgets to replace them.) Ze lady at ze boarding- 
house said to-night, ' I loves ze company of ze elegant gentle- 
man from Kurope, but ze week is up to-night — ze board is due.' 
I said, ' hly dear iriend Herman has ze pocket-book ; he vill 
come m and pay ze bin for both.' The lady said, ' Excuse me, 
if 5'ou please, ze txplanazion is satisfactory.' " 

Herman. " Mine gracious, Napoiton, did 3'ou told her dot ; 
I feeis like I would cue. She comes to me lu-niglit and says, 
■ I lofs dot company niit you slieiiliemeii, und cltn she gif me 
dot bill for der board. 1 puts mine hand in my pocket , und 
pulled it oud so. (^Turns pocket wrong side out.) I says; 'dot 
pocket haf der hole 111 it. Den 1 turns der oder pocket, so. — 
(^Turns other pocket ; lurgets to replace them.; Den I knows I 
must think pretty quick, so I say, ' I gifs Napoleon dot pocket- 
book.' Den she was mad und say, ' 3'ou Dutch fraud, get oud 
of mine house.' So I got der house oud. Napoleon, my pock- 
et-book is busted, ui}- heart is busted und mine pants is busted ; 
I wish I was under der ground niit der daisies growing oud of 
mine breast" 

Napoleon. [Goes over to Herman.] Ze heart of my friend 
must not be downca.st ; I haf ze imaginazion, ze fertile imagina- 
zion ; I get ze mone}^ somehow. America is ze big country ; 
we will be ze rich man yet." 

Herman. " Dot is all riylit. Napoleon, but I must haf mine 
somedings to eat, und I can't go mit dot boarding-hou.se once 
more," 

Napoleon. " Zen we try some other one." 



22 THE TWO PROFESSORS. 

Herman. [Face brightens, then breaks into broad smile.] 
" Napoleon, you was der drump. You liaf mine life saveo. 
Dot plan is goot when you are mit der baggage oud. Dot 
board was easier to pay at der house ^-ou goes to than der one 
you goes from. Der oxpense of moving was cheaper den der 
board to pay." (Laughs) 

Napoleon. Herman, you learn ze lesson fast. When ze 
pocket is busted, zen you must use ze head, and not be sensi- 
tive when ze blow is struck with ze foot. Ze life come easy 
when ze man get used to it." 

Herman. " Napoleon, you lifs on nettings ; you haf not 
much to feed ; but I must haf mine breakfast und mine dinner 
und mine supper, or else I dinks I would die. (Goes over to 
Napoleon and gives him his hand.) Napoleon, I sticks to you 
vat you does, shoost so you keeps out of jail und keeps me 
from getting niitoud mine dinner.' 

Napoleon. " Herman, you must not mind ze little hunger. 
Ze spring chicken may come one day, ze next we may haf to 
get along on ze corn-be'f and ze cabbage. We haf not ze spring 
chicken all ze time, neither ze be' f and ze cabbage." 
Enters Samuel, B C. 

Samuel. " Well, what you two got your heads together for 
now, with faces as long as Cornie's fiddle? No bad luck, I 
hope." 

Napoleon. [^Miispersto Herman.] "Keep ze quiet, Her- 
man ; you make ze blunder if you talk much. (To Samuel.) 
Mistair Alexander, we was speaking of ze beauties of ze house, 
ze lovely walls, ze beautiful furniture, ze taste, ze exquisite 
taste which you haf used in making ze home." 

Samuel. "Oh, it's good enough. But what have you got 
your pockets hanging out that way for ; is that some new fad 
you have brought over to this country ?'' 

Herman. [Whispers to Napoleon.] " \Ve are gone, now." 

Napoleon. [Whispers to Herman.] " Keep quiet, you 
makes ze fool of yourself. (Aloud to Samuel.) Ze pockets are 
but ze ornaments for ze pants, not for ze use." 

Herman. " Dot ornament of der pants is der pockets. Der 
beauty of der pants is spoiled mit der pockets oud." 

Samuel. " Well something has spoiled the beauty of j^ours. 
I guess it must be the pockets out. But tell me, if you don't 
use the pockets where do you keep your knife, keys and mo- 



ney 



Napoleon. " Oh, I carry my money in a belt." 

Herman. [^\ hispers.] " Napoleon, where do I carry mine 
money." 

Napoleon. " Herman put his in ze bank in New York, and 
is having a little trouble in getting it again." 

Herman. [Aside.] " What a liar dot Napoleon is !" 

Samuel. " Well, gentlemen, the ladies will be up here in a 
little while ; perhaps, in the meantime, it would be well to re- 
adjust your pockets, for I know you want to Americanize your- 
selves as rapidly as you can, and I must confess that you pres- 
ent style is a little out of form in this countr}-. (Herman and 
Napoleon hastily tuck their pockets in again.) I have got good 
news for you both." 

Napoleon. " Herman ! ' 

Herman. " Napoleon !" (They fall in one another's arms.) 



THE TWO PROFESSORS. 23 

Samuel. '' You gentlemen seem to have a positive affection 
for one another." 

Napoleon. " Herman was ze companion of my childhood." 

Herman. " Napoleon was mine uncle und mine fader too." 

Samuel. " Well, here it is," (Takes out two papers ; reads 
on one. j ' To Professor Clicquo. Dear Sir : You have this 
day been recommended to the position of Professor of the 
French Language and Calisthenics in the Gibraltar Institute, 
at Chicago Lawii, at a salary of $3,000 per annum. Awaiting 
your reply and hoping for your acceptance. We are yours, &c., 
—The Faculty.' 

Napoleon. " I accept !" 

Samuel. " L succeeded in getting this for you, as well as the 
following, which I will read to your friend Herman." (Takes 
second paper and reads.) ' Professor Blinkstein : Being con- 
vinced of 5'our high standing as an instructor in the German 
Language and Gastronomy, we hereb}^ tender you these chairs 
in the Pinchbaks Ladies' Academy at Lakeside, at a salary of 
$1,800 per annum.' &c. 

Herman. " Tells them I will come at once." 

Samuel. " Here is a hundred dollars, Profes.sor, a slight ad- 
vance until you can get 3'our money from New York, as j^ou 
may meet with .some temporary embarrassment in consequence." 
(Hands Herman a bill.) 

Herman. [Aside.] " Napoleon, I was died mit sorrow some 
leedle while gone back ; now I was dead, buried und in heaven 
mit joy. (Turns to Samuel.) Mr. Alexander, '3^ou was der 
friend indeed. I hopes you lifs until you dies, und if your 
grey hairs go mit sorrow to der grave, I hopes you go mitoud 
dem." 

Enters Cornie. 

Cornie. [With waiter on which is card — goes to Samuel.] 
" The gintleman's in the ante-room." 

Samuel. [Takes [card from waiter and reads.] "Frank 
Daly ! Show him up at once, Cornie. (Exit Cornie.) I am 
glad Frank has come. I want to see how he came out with 
his property." 

Enters Frank ; evening dress ; ushered by Coney. 
Frank. " Good evening, Mr. Alexander. It's a perfect 
night out. Well, Professors, how do you do. (Shakes hands 
with all.) I am plum tired out. (Sinks into chair.) That 
ju.st expresses it. I never was much at the agricultural busi- 
ness, and I have been all day cultivating the acquaintance of 
m}' geneological tree. I never knew I had so many ancestors 
and ancestry ; but I have got it all now by heart." 

Samuel. " I can guess what you have been doing that for. 
I suppose you want to clinch j'our identity with that of the 
Barramore famih\" 

Frank. " With part of them, yes; but I can hardly say 
all. I suppose, though, I will learn to take the bad with the 
good. I have had no trouble to prove my direct descendance ; 
what I was doing was out of curiosity. Like a good many peo- 
ple, I didn't think much about my forefathers until I found 
thej^ had money." 

Samuel. " Then you think there will be no question of your 
getting the property ?" 

Frank. " None in the least, so my lawyers a.ssure me. The 



24 THE TWO PROFESSORS. 

Barramore's have tried to compromise, which is conchisive evi- 
dence that they deem my claim good. We have an injunction 
against them, so they cannot collect any more of the rents ; so 
practically they are through." 

Samuel. " Well, you haven't got an acquaintance but what 
will be glad you have got it. I guess by this time you have 
acquired the knowledge of the worth of money, so you will 
make good use of it.' 

Frank. "I liave found semi-poverty too- disagreeable to 
make any intentional mistake. ^^ ell. Professors, you look as 
if you were happy. Have you hit anything j-et ?" 

Napoleon. "Through ze kindness of Mistair Alexander I 
have been able to secure ze professorship in ze Gibraltar Insti- 
tute. Of course, I know not ze necessity of work, but ze idle- 
ness I do despise. (Aside to Herman.) Don't make any of ze 
mistake. Our future posizion will depend on it." 

Herman. " Der Professor is miserable mitoud der position 
of der money. When he has his money gone, den he^is mit- 
oud sometings for to do mit him. Pie is happy when he has 
der position mit der money, which he cares not for when he 
has it." 

Frank. [Laughs.] "I guess I see. But what have you 
got, Herman ?" 

He 'man. " Oh, I got dot Pinchbeck Academy mit der la- 
dies. I feel der honor of dot position, und I lofes der money 
for der goot I can do for mineself und Napoleon. (Aside to 
Napoleon. I guess I got dot right." 

Napoleon. " Ze Professair has not acquired ze intricacies of 
ze American language. He means that ze money is of ze small 
value when compared to ze honor of ze posizion." 

Samuel. " Frank, I presume you left the girls in the ante- 
room ; go dowai and bring them up." (Exit Frank.) 

Samuel. " To-day is Thursdaj^ — next Monday you assume 
your duties, I suppose. I want both of you to consider my 
house as your home whenever you can find leisure to come and 
see us." 

Napoleon. " You do us ze great honor." 
Herman. " Der honor we gifs to you." 

Enter Frank, Belle and Kate in evening dress. 
Belle. [Shakes hands with Professors.] " We welcome you 
to our Chicago home." 

Kate. [Shaking hands with Professors.] " W'e are most 
happ3^ to see you here this evening." 

Napoleon. " Ze memory of 3'ears has not ze happiness in 
them that I feels to-night." 

Herman. "' I feels shoost like I was in heaven." 
Belle. " As I came up stairs I had a scheme. It has been 
so long since we have had any music let us have an impromptu 
concert ; I like these spontaneous affairs. Prof. Herman, can't 
you lend us your aid." 

Herman. " I was glad to contribute mine share, but I was 
a poor musician." (Sing song with piano accompaniment, or 
make musical .specialty, after which they applaud ; followed b}^ 
other music, or declamation, by others present, as conditions 
permit at discretion. Seat themselves. Professors front, on 
either side.) 

Kate. " Papa, ring for Cornie to bring up some lemonade." 



THE TWO PROFESSORS. 25 

f Samuel rings and Cornie appears and gets order. E.xit. ) 

Samuel. " Cornie has made a model servant, and as true as 
steel." 

Frank. " The boj- is as brave as a lion and as smart as a 
whip. If ever 3'ou folks get tired of him, let me know, for I 
hav^e something for him to do." 

Belle. " You won't get him for a good while if vou wait for 
that." 

Enters Cornie with waiter and glasses. 

Cornie. [Serx-es all pre.sent ; goes to right front ] (Aside. ) 
" They'll all like it purty well but the Professors. Me lemons 
gave out, an' I had to make two of their glasses wid the tartar 
acid, an' I'm afraid I got too much in, an' the Professors have 
thim. I gue.ss it will fix 'em so they can sphit. Irishman or no 
Irishman." 

Herman. [Aside.] Mine gracious, does len.ions was sour, 
but I haf to drink it. (Takes another sip.) Mine throat was 
on fire." 

Napoleon. [Aside.] " Ze lemonade was made in sheol. 
{Sips again.) Ze politeness I must not forget." (Empties it 
slyly into va.se at his side.") 

Herman. [Aside.] " Mine tongue has no skin on it— und 
oh ! mine stomach I (^V'riggles in his chair.) Vat will I (.o — 
mine poor stomach i (Gets up and sits down again.) I pelieve 
I was going to die, but I must drink it. (Takes another .sip, 
and then collapses in his chair. ( alls softly to Napoleon.) 
Napoleon ! (Louder.) Napoleon ! (Napoleon goes to him.) 
Tell der ladies I haf der stomach — no, not dot. Tell dem I 
goes to der balcony to cool off." 

Napoleon. " Ladies, you will excu.se Professair Herman and 
nij'self a moment, ze heat of ze room has made ze rush of blood 
to his head ; we step on ze balcony a minute." (They exit.) 

Belle. " The Professor looked prett}' sick. I believe you 
ought to go to him, papa." 

Samuel. " You are right." (Exit.) 

Kate. " Frank, there was something the matter with that 
lemonade ; I saw Profes.sor Clicqfo threw his into that va.se." 

Frank. " Why, how could that be ; it was aU doubtless 
made in the same pitcher? There's Blinkstein's gia.ss. (Gels 
glass off of floor and tastes it; mnkes wry face.) Phew! no 
wonder he is sick. This tastes like it was made witli sulphuric 
acid. How in the world did that come !' 

Belle. [Laughing] " Excuse me for laughing ; I know it 
is cruel, but I can't help it. It's that rascal Cornie — he has 
doctored it." 

Krank. " What would he do that for ?'' 

Helle. " He never forgavo the Professors for a1)using the 
Irish that night 3'ou had the trouble with t\v2 Barramore's 
in Ireland. He has done this to get even with them." 

Kate. " I am going to tell father right away." (Starts to 
go.) 

frank. " Hold on a minute, Miss Kate, until we think. If 
>-ou tell your father he will not forgi^■e Cornie but dismi.ss him 
Avithout a recommendation, and it will make him angry if I 
take him. He will be in a strange cit}- without a job, and will 
go to the dogs. I^et us punish him." (Rings.) 



26 THE TWO PROFESSORS. 

Enters Cornie. 

Cornie. " Where's the Professors gone ; I niver let thini 
out?" 

Frank. [Handing Cornie glass,] " Will you kindl}' drink 
that lemonade for me." 

Cornie. " I've already drank about a gallon. I'm not 
thirsty, sorr." 

Frank. " But I want you to drink that." 

Cornie. [Aside.] "They're onto me. (Aloud.) Misther 
Frank, you have me." 

Belle. " I did not think you would do a thing like this." 
• Kate, " I have a mind to tell papa." 

Cornie. [Falls on knees with hands up.] " Oh, Miss Kate, 
don't do that. Bate me wid a sthick, anything, but don't tell 
the masther. Miss Belle, get me shilaleh out of me fiddle-case 
an' whack me on the head wid it, but don't let Miss Kate tell 
the masther What shall I do ?" 

Belle. " Get up ; you were going with Norah to the party at 
the hall to-morrow evening, I will need you both at home, the 
innocent must suffer with the guilty." 

Cornie. " Can't ye bate me wid a .sthick instead." 

Belle. " This way suits me the best. You can go." (Exit 
Cornie.) 

Frank. " He'll never do that again, I'll guarantee." 
Enter the Professors and Samuel. 

Samuel. ' ' Well, we got the Professor straightened up again^ 
We keep this house too warm, anyhow. I will tell Robert to 
regulate the furnace down a little. 

Herman. " I feels like dot apology I should gif to der la- 
dies. Der climate of Chicago I haf to get used to mineself." 

Napoleon. " Ze slight indisposizion of my friend was of but 
small consequence. He feels all right now." 

.Belle. " You had our sympathy, Professor. Such accidents 
are liable to happen anywhere and at any time. We are glad 
to know you have recovered." 

Frank. "A little soda is a great relief for rush of blood to 
the head." 

Herman. [Aside.] " Dot was what Samuel gave to me, 
und it made me feel like a peer bottle mit der cork out." 
Enters Cornie. 

Cornie. " Supper's on the table." [Exit.] 

Samuel. [Takes Frank by arm.] " We have a little lunch 
spread ; we will lead the way." [All exit but Belle and Napo- 
leon, who linger behind looking |at flowers on table. Kate 
drops her handkerchief by accident.] 

Napoleon. [Suddenly falls on his knee before Belle.] " Ze 
beautiful Belle must listen to me ; I cannot keep ze words any 
longer. I loves you with all my heart." [Attempts to take 
her hand.] 

Belle. "Professor, indeed, this is quite unexpected. I did 
not anticipate an honor like this." 

Napoleon. " Ze heart I gave you long ago ; can I hope for 
ze reciprocazion." • 

Belle. " I will have to think ; you must give me time." 

Napoleon. " All ze time you want." 

Belle. " Well, then, I will give 3^ou an answer " 

Napoleon. "To-morrow." 



THE TWO PROFESSORS. 27 

Belle. " After tlie World's Fair. Now come, let us go to 
lunch." [They exit.] 

Eater Kate, followed by Hermau. 

Kate. '■ I am sure I left my handkerchief here. Oh, here 
it is !" [Picks it up and .starts to door, but Herman, on his 
kaees, blocks the way.] 

Herman. " Oh, Miss Kate, you haf found der handkerchief 
but I haf lost mine heart. I lofes you mit all mine might, und 
dot is aheap."' 

Kate. "Professor, you have taken me completely by sur- 
prise. I have never had the lea.st suspicion of this. Really, I 
don't know what to think." [Puts handkerchief to face, as- 
suming embarra.ssment.] 

Herman. "Then, if you knows not what to think, then 
think of me." 

Kate. " I can't give you an answer now, but will later on." 

Herman. " I knows it will be 3^ah — yes." 

Kate. "I'll tell you when, the da^' after " 

Herman. " Dot is right. I knew I was lofed. Dot day af- 
ter to-morrow." 

Kate. " Oh, no ; the day after the World's Fair is over. — 
Get up, they are waiting for us at lunch." (The)- exit.) 
. Enters Cornie. 

v'ornie. "That spalpeen took his medicine, an' he didn't 
like it. He'll not want me to prescribe for him again. I didn't 
care so much about catchin' the Dutchman, but that Parle 
vous, I'll get him yet, bad cess to him. That Miss Belle is too 
smart for me. Begorra, I had a close chance. The masther 
wud niver forgive me if he found it out, ' I'm in the hands of 
me friends,' as the politicians sa}-, an' inthirely depindent on 
their mercy. An' I can't go to the party to-morrow night. 
How will I be tellin' Nora, bless her swate face. I belave 
she's comin' now." 

Enters Nora. 

Nora. " Ye here, Cornie ; I thought ye wur waitin' on the 
table ?" 

Cornie. " The housekaper is a doin' that to-night. (Aside.) 
How will I tell her ! (Aloud.) Nora, me girl, I'm in trouble ; 
I have a letter from me mither, an' she says that me .second 
cousin on me father's side is dead, an' I don't belave it wud be 
dacent to go to the ball to-morroy avenin'. I am .so sorry, but 
you can go wid Mike Dougherty."' 

Nora. " I didn't want to go wid Mike Doughert}-, I wanted 
to go wid you." 

Cornie. [Aside.] " How purt}' she is; an' her two eyes a 
spharklin' like two diamonds wid dew on thim. [Aloud.] I 
feel it is me duty to stay at home." 

Nora. [Stamping her foot.] "Well, thin. 111 .stay at home, 
too." 

Cornie. [A.side.] " Ain't she purty ! Me heart's a thump- 
in' so I belave it has broke two of me ribs. (Aloud.) Nora, 
me darlin. [Puts his arm around her, and she puts up her 
hands to her face.] Nora, me darlin'. [Aside.] How the 
divil will I say it. [Aloud.] Nora, me darlin', I'm about to 
.sphake." 

Nora. " I want to go to the party." 

Cornie. " I'm about to sphake to yez about the condition of 



28 THE TWO PROFEvSSORS 

me. [Aside,] I don't know whether to say me lupit or me 
old coat. [Aloud.] Nora, me darlin', I'm about to spake 
about the — I love yez wid all me heart." 

Nora. '^ But ye won't take me to the dance.'" 

Cornie. [Aside.] " How will I get over this dance I u:-i- 
ness. [Aloud.] Nora, me darlhi', thfs bles.sid minute I lf.\e 
3'ez better than anything else in the world. Can't ye let the 
dance go for my sake ?" 

Nora. " Well, yis." 

Cornie. "Bless your purt}- face ; I'm goin' to steal a kiss."' 
[Belle is heard.] 

Nora. [Releasing herself.] " There's the bell jfor the l)ut 
ler ; you'd better go." 

Cornie. " Not one wee little kiss?" 

Nora. ■' Not to-day ; .some other day." 

Cornie. " Nora, you was tritlin wid me. I'll have that kiss 
before I shlape anither night." [Exit.] 

Nora. " He's a broth of a bo}', but a little too quick on 
.short acquaintance. I belave I think a good deal of him, 
but I'll be might}- sure before I say ' j-is.' " 
Enters Ophelia. 

Ophelia. " Nora, where's the compau}- and the girls?" 

Nora. " They was out to lunch." 

Ophelia. "Out to lunch ! So they have ignored me again. 
I'll see about this. [Exit door ; meets lunch party returning 
just outside.] 

Enters Samuel, Frank, the Professors, Belle, Kate and 
Ophelia. 

Ophelia. " Cousin Samuel " 

Samuel. "One minute. Nora, you are wanted in the 
dining-room. [Exit Nora.] Now, Ophelia, what is it?" 

Ophelia. "Samuel Alexander, I want to know why I have 
been ignored again to-night ?" 

Samuel. " Why, I supposed you were in your room nursing 
that sick headache you were talking about this afternoon, and 
would not want to be disturbed." 

Ophelia. "Another lame excuse, sir ; another lame excuse. 
Now, Samuel Alexander, do you think I am going to stand 
this without protest. My name is Campbell, and the Camp- 
bell's never let an injury go without protest. This injustice to 
me, sir, is but little less than an insult." 

Samuel. " But, Ophelia " 

Ophelia. " Don't you ' but Ophelia' me. I want an ex- 
planation of your conduct." 

Samuel, I have given you one ; I thought you were sick in 
your room." 

Ophelia. " You never took the trouble to send and see if I 
was." 

Samuel. " It would have been no trouble. I had simply 
made up my mind that you were not in a condition to entertain 
company." 

Ophelia. " It takes very little for you to make up your 
mind when I am concerned." 

Frank. (Stepping up.) " Really, Miss Ophelia, we have 
all mi.ssed you very much." 

Ophelia. " Are you sincere ?" 

Frank. " Never more so in my life," 



THE TWO PROFESSORS. 29 

Napoleon. " Ze supper was perfect in every respect except- 
ing ze presence of ze lady." 

Herman. " Dot supper I likes mit all mine might mitoud 
der lady. If der lady had been there I would haf liked him 
better." 

Belle. " We all were very sorry you could not come. I .see 
there was a little misunderstanding." 

Kate. " I will take it on myself to see that nothing like 
this shall happen again. Come over here with me, Ophelia. I 
have something to tell you." (They take seats.) 

Samuel. " I will ring for .some more lemonade." (Rings.) 

Herman. " I va.sh not thirsty." 

Enters Cornie. 

Samuel. "Bring in another pitcher of lemonade." (Exit 
Cornie.) 

Herman. (Goes to front of stage and beckons for Napoleon, 
who goes to him and whispers.) " I wants no more lemorfade. 
My insides will be ruined." 

Napoleon. " Takes ze little, and if you do not like ze lem- 
onade, do not drink it." 

Enters Cornie with pitcher, followed by Nora with 
glasses on waiter. They serve the company. 

Frank. (When served.) " No more capers, Cornie." 

Cornie. " Never fear, Mr. Frank." 

Samuel. " Let us have some toasts. Professor Clicquo,'you 
are first." 

Napoleon. " I drink to ze health of ze beautiful ladies, ze 
oasis in«e desert of life." [All drink,] 

Samu..d. " Now, Professor Blinkstein, you are next." 

Herman. " I drinks to der health of Miss Ophelia, who haf 
dot praver)' of a lion, der meekness of der lamb, und who is as 
beautiful und who has " 

Napoleon. [Whispers.] " You are getting ze matter mixed 
up." 

Herman. "Well, I drinks her, anj-how." [Drinks.] 

Frank. " I have got one. All .stand up. "Here's to The 
Two Professors, representatives of two of the greatest nations 
(m earth, Germany and France, who have come to the home of 
all nations, and in a week find and feel themselves at home. 
Together with these two great countries I drink to America, 
the most glorious country on earth, the refuge of the oppressed, 
the paradise of struggling humanity, the land of the free and 
the home of the brave." [All drink.] 

Curtain. 
Position : The Professors center front ; Samuel and Ophelia 

I-.; lielle, Kate and Frank R.: Cornie and Nora back. 



